Never Trust a Lawyer

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Cure for Snoring

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

 

They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

 

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

 

The third night was Bill's turn.  He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips.   Mick sat up and watched me all night."

 

With age comes wisdom.

Indians Are Indians

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

 

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

 

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

 

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

 

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

 

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??

 

Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains.

Love of a Husband

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


He said, 'I found the remote'.

The Mexican Maid

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now): 'My husband said that?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Embarassing Situations

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"

How to Bill Others

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Funniest Divorse Letter Ever

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; You don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; Whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husban d
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
 
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem."

A Real Talent Wasted

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Two Nuns

There were two nuns.. 

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. 

SL: It's logical.  He wants to rape us. 

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. 

SM: It's not working. 

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. 

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. 

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. 

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical, arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical,. 

Then Sister Logical, arrives. 

SM: Sister Logical,! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! 

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me 

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? 

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. 

SM: And? 

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. 

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then? 

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. 

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, 

Say two Hail Marys!

The Surgeon and the Aneasthesiologist

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman.
"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it.

So, they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

Finally, she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman,
"You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"

The man says,
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

The woman answers,
"Because I slept through most of it and didn't feel a thing."

Curiosity gets The Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

he priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.

The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"